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Frankenberg – The Wurst War

November 14, 2009

Frankenberg is an Archbishopric of the Holy Roman Empire. Ruled by Archbishop Helmut das Fett from 1688 until 1706, the Archbishopric  generally remained a neutral party in the wars ravaging Europe, all the time making plenty of cash from supplying their excellent sausages and beer to all sides.

But in the year 1706 Helmut died from choking on a sausage (reputedly in the middle of a party with much frivolity involving a certain notorious actress by the name of Maria Beineoffnen). He was succeeded by one of his illegitimate offspring, Ludwig, known as Schwul Luddie amongst the inhabitants of Uberallesheim. Ludwig was no friend of the Confederate cause, and indeed seems to have spent some time at Versailles where he developed some of his more particular tastes. But it was a new tax by a financially strapped Emperor on wurst sales throughout the Empire that convinced Ludwig that he needed to be Louis XIV’s friend.

The lifeblood of Frankenberg – wurst!

Frankenberg’s strategic location on the Rhine saw it sit astride a major communications route between Vienna and Amsterdam.  It was also an easily accessible location for reinforcement by French forces. Moreover, the central position gave the French a strategic advantage to outflank either the Imperial army in Germany or the Confederates in the low countries. Louis XIV immediately sent a small army to help hold Frankenberg until the next campaigning season, not knowing that his army would be crushed at Ramillies very soon afterwards. Upon learning of this serious setback in Flanders, Ludwig thought he might pull out of the French Alliance, but he was persuaded by the French ambassadors and the ‘friendly’ French troops to remain faithful.

It was 1707 by the time that the attention of the Confederate forces fell on Frankenberg. The key was to take the province out of the strategic equation, while Louis was not able to devote too much attention to it. And so, in 1707 the conflict that would be known to history as the Wurst War began.

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